SEC Football Predictions

Using a revolutionary scientific method, I have engineered a system
which produces computer generated predictions. Some of them may be
surprising, but you have to have faith in the system and understand that
I have consulted with the best minds out there.

Here are my SEC predictions for 2009 in computer randomized order:

1. Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin, takes a medical leave of absence after
starting a fight with a group of 12 year old boys who were skateboarding
in the local Target parking lot. Seems Kiffin was talking trash, and the
boys gave him what they called an "atomic wedgie". After a couple of
games, the coach appears back on the sidelines wearing special pants.
The Vols go 0-12

2. Ole Miss QB Jevon Snead is hounded mercilessly by Memphis fans in the
opener. Snead is incensed by the "stupid fans" who insist on putting the
accent on the second syllable of his name pronouncing in Je-VON instead
of jevon. Unable to overcome this distraction, Je-VON throws 6
interceptions, fumbles 3 times and Twitters profanity laced messages to
fans during the game. They lose the game 41-2 and never recover. Their
only win of the season comes against (you guessed it) Tennessee. Ole
Miss will go 1 -11

3.Kentucky hires Louisville's former basketball coach, Rick Pitino, to
conduct a series of mandatory seminars for the football team. The
classes are held at various local restaraunts(after closing time) and
are very private. Miraculously, this drastically improves the
temperament of the players. One defensive starter even remarked to a
reporter" My body just has this relaxed satisfied feeling"
Unfortunately, this doesn't help the team win. Kentucky is very
lethargic all season Cigarette use as well as other unspecified medical
conditions becomes a problem. Kentucky goes 3-9

4. Arkansas gets off to a great 4-0 start but then news comes out that
QB Ryan Mallet has been secretly engaging and financing the horrific
sport of "Cat Juggling" down in Mexico. Mallet is kicked off the team
and arrested. Once Coach Bobby Petrino realizes he has lost his best
player, he abruptly quits and is last seen coaching an 8 and under flag
football team near Opelika Alabama. Needless to say, the Razorbacks
don't win another game and go 4-8

5. Georgia has a typically solid season highlighted by Mark Richt's
sleepy eyed, faintly smiling look, The Bulldogs go 10-2. The losses due
in large part to the players feeling too serene and self adjusted during
their two"beige out" games. Which they lose.

6. LSU opens with a 22-0 loss to Washington in which Coach Les Miles
repeatedly punts on first down. After the game Miles refuses to comment,
only saying he was going back to the hotel with his "DAMN STRONG
FOOTBALL TEAM". The tigers steamroll through the rest of the year going
11-1. The only other glitch being Miles brief jail stint after inciting
a riot at the Slidell Kindergarten's career day. Seems Miles was using
unusually loud and inappropriate language during his presentation and
got angry when the kids started referring to him as "The Hat".

7. At South Carolina, Steve Spurrier unveils new team uniforms which
look suspiciously similar to the Florida Gators. For weeks Spurrier
doggedly insists that any similarity is pure coincidence, but after
local TV did a side by side comparison revealing the uniforms of the 2
schools to be identical, Steve broke down and admitted that he hoped TV
viewers would see his team lose games while wearing the gator uniforms,
and that it would somehow diminish Urban Meyer's legacy. Spurrier
retires in disgrace at the end of the year and opens a "Visor
Superstore" near Gainsville. Oh and the Gamecocks go 6-6. (5-1 in the
Gator garb).

8. Auburns lack of offensive identity continues as they start the season
running the wishbone, only to switch to the veer, and then finishing
with something called the "Cody Cat offense". However, Auburn's
receivers adjust well by cutting their routes short and falling down so
they could get to Chris Todd's throws better. They play well however,
their success only being interrupted once, when former coordinator Tony
Franklin sneaks into practice and brainwashes players into running the
spread again. Coach Chizik spends the next 4 days replaying last years
3-2 win over Miss State in the locker room to reverse the effect. Mario
Fanin, as the only legitimate player, carries the team to a 10-2 mark.

9. The Florida empire comes crashing down early as Tim Tebow reveals he
is actually a transsexual. The team begins to fall apart as "Tina" Tebow
begins reporting to practice in girly clothes. He/she is still a top
totch QB, running for record yardage in high heels without breaking a
nail, but the embarrassment proves to much for the team to bear. The
gators go 4-8 and constantly have to coax Tebow down from the top of the
cheerleader pyramid. Coach Urban Meyer pretends as if nothing is wrong
however, and is seen slinking off to late night mentoring sessions with
his star quarterback...

10. The Crimson Tide starts out on fire, winning their first 5 games
easily. However after losing a close game to South Carolina, Nick Saban
begins wearing an old checkered hat he says he found in the school
basement. The team begins to lose as Saban takes to just standing on the
sidelines eating Golden Flake potato chips. The Tide goes 5-7 leaving
the fans pleasantly confused and not at all worried. After all they have
all those championships from the 60s and 70s to fall back on.

11. Vanderbilt has a stellar year due to a new cerebral strategy called
"studying the playbook". Commodores roll to an undefeated 12-0 season
and Coach Bobby Johnson is selected for the next round of "Dancing with
the stars". Most fans in the country still are not sure what state the
team is from but are respectful nonetheless.

12. The stage seems set for Miss State to have another awful year when,
just prior to the first game, Bret Favre comes out of retirement to lead
the Bulldogs to an 11-1 season. The only loss coming to Vandy in which
Favre retired 3 more times during the game. Otherwise MSU dominated
everyone they played, prompting LSU coach Miles to say "What the Damn!?"
my hats off to the B*st*rds, WOOOO HOOOO!". Coach Saban chose his words
more carefully after getting his whipping, noting that "losing to
Mississippi State is kind of like when the space shuttle exploded"
Needless to say, there are parties in almost every trailer park in
bulldog country during this time.

The SEC championship game proves to be anti-climactic as Bret Favre goes
back into retirement a couple days before the game. Without their
leader, the bulldogs are no match for the razor sharp intellect of
Vandy's commodores and their "dancing" coach. Despite numerous delay of
game penalties as they worked out complicated plays in the huddle,
Vanderbilt builds a 26 - 0 first quarter lead and then leaves the field
to study for exams. The Bulldogs battle back valiantly but fall short
26-14 as they fumble on 4th down at their own 2 yd line. Their fans
begin crying out for Favre's head. Afterwards, At the post game press
conference, a jubilant Johnson isn't available to comment as he boards
his jet off to his new gig replacing Paula Abdul on American Idol.

So there you have it. Just another typical SEC year coming up. Thanks go
out to The University of Vanderbilt for providing me with the really
complicated scientific formula to figure all this out. So let's all sit
back and see how close I get.